Endangered Gorillas Found - Kill em while ya can!

So here's a heartwarming story, a "trove" of endangered gorillas was found in Africa recently. The specific type has been considered "critically endangered" and in the 1980's the complete earth's population tallied approximately 100,000.

The conservative..err conservationist in me is happy that these things are doing well in a world so often defined by doom, gloom, warming, thinning, fleecing, rising and ravaging. But the cynic in me can't help but question the judgment of those nature nerds who so exuberantly broadcasted these monkeys' locale in the aforementioned world.

If one of the main factors in the dismantling of this species is a hunter spraying them like Cheney in Texas, is naming the exact location of this freshly found hangout the best idea? We all remember the infamous Geraldo incident and his subsequent expulsion from the entire country of Iraq. For shit sake, how bad does someone mess up to get kicked out of Iraq?

Back to the matter at hand. It seems to be bad form that, in any situation, divulging the exact details of critical intelligence might not be in the best interest of anyone who may be in a position to help. In most cases, the only ones who benefit are the ones who have something to gain - and in this instance, it's the hunters and traders - not the khaki-vested beards whispering into a camera.

Thanks for the heads up, DEP

While perusing the PG today I run across this article in which the Department of Environmental Protection (DEP) has warned citizens that ash from a landslide contained the hazardous material arsenic.

That's all well and good, and it was nice of the Department to fill nearby residents in. If I lived there I'd definitely be interested in finding out some detrimental substance was creeping into my water supply. At the same time though, I'm not sure how happy it'd make me to find out three years later. Nice to see our regulatory agencies are really keeping on top of their game, isn't it?

On top of it all, the DEP managed to shift blame to "a power company and municipal authority." Thanks for the news guys, we appreciate it.

The Potent Stuff

I'm never one to analyze a cup of coffee. Certainly there are those who consider the deconstruction of a decaf a personal hobby. Different strokes, different folks. But here's an example of a collective mindset I just don't get:

Each morning I get to my desk, log on and then go downstairs for that first cup of coffee. Most days, I end up having to make a pot because the MIS guy who gets here at seven drinks an entire pot and leaves about two drops without making a new one. Not that I particularly care because it takes like 30 seconds, it's just one of those peccadilloes, I've used that word before....ummm...misdeeds, that make offices such goofy places to work.

Regardless, if you've not experienced it before, standing around waiting for a pot of coffee to brew is about as exciting as sitting through those human resource videos on orientation day. That's why I'll typically pull a dangerous yet exhilarating move. While the joe is pouring, I'll quickly whip the pot away and replace it with my cup.

Many times this move works, resulting in minimal spillage. It's also good for one of those awkward-conversations-with-passerby like "You must be feeling it today!" or the ever-popular "Hot off the presses!" One day, as I'm filling up, an IT consultant walks past and tells me he used to own a donut shop, and the coffee that comes out of the machine first is always the most potent, not to mention that I must really need it.

Apparently, people at my office really respect the ideals of a (former) donut shop proprietor. The awkward conversations of the past have turned into over-the-top warnings of impending giddiness and loss of inhibitions.

I'm still having trouble believing the first few drips are any stronger than the last few drips, but I appreciate everyones' conviction. Now, if you'll excuse me, someones car needs lifted.

"Rocket Fuel"

I Was In the Minors!!!

[pregame]

Coach: Here we go guys. Let's do it. You better win this game or you're all losers. I don't mean just losers like you lost a game. I mean like pathetic, no life, have-a-kid-when-you're-17 and gotta drop outta school and live in a trailer park losers.

Team: We always do our best, Coach!

Coach: Unfortunately your best isn't good enough. Hey, lead off batter...

Leadoff: Dad, it's me Ma...

Coach: You better get on base. And you better not strike out. If you do strike out, you better go down swinging. This team does not tolerate looking at strike three. You hear me?

Leadoff: Yea Dad, I get...

Coach: Don't call me Dad. I'm not your father. I'm your coach. Listen, I played minor league baseball when I was younger. I know baseball better than you know Pixar.

Assistant: That's right guys. Go out and give it your best. And remember, we're here to have fun!

Coach: Fun? Are you kidding me Gary? We are here to win and kick ass. Is that understood? Win. Kick ass. Gary, apparently you forget when I led our high school team in strike outs and home runs. Do you remember that, Gary? I was the toast of the town. Your parents wanted me as their son, not some washed up fatty who could barely make the throw from third to first. Maybe if you had had less 'fun,' you wouldn't be a lawyer who can't even make it to practice. You could have been the head coach of a little league baseball team.

Assistant: I don't know if that's the right attitude there Coach! These kids are young, let em play!

Coach: I guess I'm the only one here who has any idea of what baseball means. Does anyone remember who I am? I was in the minor leagues. And not just some semi-pro team. I was in Class A Salem before any of you were a glimpse in your parents' eyes. I know what it takes to succeed in this game you whiny brats....WHAT ARE YOU DOING JASON???

Jason: I just saw my mom walk in!!!

Coach: [puts Jason in headlock] I DON'T WANT YOU EVER LOOKING IN THOSE STANDS AGAIN. THIS IS MY TEAM AND MY FIELD. I AM LITTLE LEAGUE BASEBALL AND EVERYONE BETTER REALIZE IT OR NONE OF YOU ARE GONNA MAKE THIS TEAM NEXT YEAR!!! IS THAT UNDERSTOOD????

Jason: I'm not in the army!!!

Coach: YOU'RE IN MY ARRRRMMYYYYYY!!!!

Thank You Penguins

To say the NHL gained a fan over the past five months would be to underscore the sheer amazement and enjoyment I've experienced while watching the conclusion to the 2007-2008 season. Looking back, the small amount of blogging I have done in the past few months has been centered more around the Pens and their corresponding actions than anything else. In fact, it has been the main focus of my out-of-work life since roughly mid-January.

So, with pride, this is the last time I say: "Now I don't know enough to form an educated opinion about [hockey]..." I feel like through the course of the season and the extremely exciting playoffs I've picked up enough to be a somewhat educated hockey fan. Granted, some of the rules and terms still baffle me, but with time I hope to improve.

There's already been enough "I's" in this entry to make me puke. This one is deservedly sent out to our Pittsburgh Penguins, who have done their best in the past two years to not only make me realize what a truly great sport hockey is, but to inspire an entirely new generation of Pittsburgh hockey fans.

To hear the raucous ovation given to every Orpik bone-crusher, to every Crosby deke, each Malkin laser to the back of the net and the flashes of brilliance displayed with a Fleury glove save (and a beauty) makes the hair on the arms stand up and the heart race with an intensity not present anywhere else in my sports watching life.

The NHL season is grueling to say the least. To think I've been glued to my still not digitally upgraded television multiple nights a week since before the playoffs started shows that the game of hockey is not nearly as dead as some may think. You really form a relationship with your team as you see them crash the boards and raise the sticks each night. For as much as I was disappointed the Pens did not procure the oldest trophy of them all this year, I was equally as disappointed to see the season come to an end. Going into tonight, it became apparent that the most hockey there'd be to view until the fall were two games.

Sure, it's easy to poke fun at Mike Emrick. But the man endeared himself to me this post season. I certainly won't appreciate Jim Nantz's overly-judgmental attitude in the upcoming NFL season as I do Emrick's "Driiiiiive!" calls and his innate ability to make each and every second exciting just by his diction.

So, it's with this we leave the NHL season until next fall. Some wish the season would be shortened as to increase the excitement for each game. But I say let's start skating as soon as possible. Penguins, it was a hell of a season and you all deserve a standing ovation. Because, as it turns out, there's more to sports than waving a Terrible Towel. Thanks.

Blah, Blah, Gas Prices, Blah

By even acknowledging the proceeding subject goes a ways to play into the proverbial hands I'm about to slap, but my frustration is peaked. I'm sick and tired of hearing about gas prices. Yes, the title quotes my girl Rihanna's latest hit, but unlike her mind-grabbing tunes, the continuous exposure of our nation's oil problem is not nearly as catchy as one of her Top-40 mixes.

You see, to complain about a gas price is like beating your child for dropping a plate of spaghetti: There's nothing you can do about it. That's why I flinch each time a co-worker or passerby pontificates the evils of an oil corporation or political stance.

On the NBC Nightly News tonight, Brian Williams pulled out the trusty old 'email bag' and began reciting lines from viewer emails. There was nothing special about the emailers, just your typical Kenny Midwest or Vanessa Down South. The thesis statement of each note was, you guessed it, 'feel bad for us because we have to pay for gas.'

To paraphrase a couple of the entries: (please note I'm not making up these lines)

"This summer will be different than most. Instead of grilling steaks and racks of ribs, we have to settle for regular hamburgers and hot dogs."

"Typically, we go to the beach for a week. This year, we will have to drive to the nearest beach in the morning and drive back the same day."

"We're going to have to rent movies on cable instead of going to the theaters."

At that point, I couldn't bear the sob stories any longer. My mind was rife with pessimism and sympathy.

Give me a break. Hamburgers and hot dogs instead of steak and ribs? What a shame. A day beach trip instead of a whole week? Get me the Kleenex. Pay per view movies instead of a night at the Cineplex? Quick Molly, get me the revolver. We can't live like this any longer.

The audacity of these people to send these comments as if they have some sort of legitimate plight. Furthermore, a double minus goes to Brian Williams. Isn't he supposed to be reporting actual news, not regurgitating tales of woe from Josh and Annie from Greenville, South Carolina?

By no means have I always been the most sympathetic person - many times I think people in a bad situation don't do enough to remove themselves from their problems - but on the same token, there are people out there who have bigger problems than having to go to the beach for just one day instead of five. Some folks can't have the electricity required to make the begrudging choice to stay at home on a Friday night and watch There Will be Blood.

Sure, anyone would rather have steaks and ribs than hamburgers or hot dogs, but if you can't, so what? I've never seen a more American problem than to make the hard decision of cutting off one luxury item to move down a rung to a less expensive luxury item.

To quote the immortal Curb episode "The Survivor," when a former Survivor (TV) contestant was arguing with another former Survivor (The Holocaust), "Have you ever seen our show? You never have anything to eat and someones always trying to back stab you." 'Have you seen our show? It was called...THE HOLOCAUST!!!!!!"

For all of the complaining and squabbling people are doing over the cost of a gallon of gas, no one seems to do anything to even improve their situation a little bit. Well, aside of course from eating burgers instead of rib eyes.

Rather than complaining, why not save $1500 and buy a small car for your commute to work? Some of you need a truck for your job? That's not anyone else's problem, so please quit forcing it on us.

Just face facts. The world is changing. Every bit of it. Guess what? I remember the days when gas was 95 cents a gallon too. And I'm 23 years old. Oh, you remember it at 50 cents a gallon? 25 cents a gallon? Well shame on you for living in the past. These "why me?" and "we're owed" attitudes displayed by a good many people in this country are as sickening as the volatile prices of energy, fuel and food.

The old days are dead and gone. The best way to "My dad worked everyday of his life but sucked it up and bared it without ever complaining," is to suck it up and bare it like the generations before us. The problems we face today are different than the ones in the past, but that shouldn't change the way we handle it. The sooner you accept it, the sooner you can get back to enjoying your life...One two dollar movie at a time.

The Honeymoon's Over, Penguins

Well, there it is Penguins. Your first lost of the 2008 playoffs. Out the window is the chance to become the first team since the Oilers in 1985 (by memory, if that is wrong correct me) to win their first eight playoff games in a single playoff season. From the eyes of this uneducated fan, there wasn’t any lack of hustle or complacency, ya just lost the game. After all, the Rangers are a good team. Beating them twice on their home ice would be tough. Besides, what’s sweeter than a series-clinching victory on home ice in front of 20,000 raucous fans?

There is one thing I’d like to let you in on, though. The honeymoon is over. As they say, welcome to Pittsburgh, aka, the most pessimistic and critical sports town on earth, with one of the most uneducated fan bases this side of the Siberia golf league.

On the drive to work today, I could just hear it in the radio DJ’s voice. It was all they could do to not criticize the Pens for losing one game. One asked, "Sooo, how many points does Crosby have in this series?" His question was laced with judgment, but fortunately, the sports guy on the other end sat in silence until muttering, "Uhhh, I don’t have it in front of me, but quite a few."

The answer is four, and you would think a person getting paid to absorb the sports knowledge of the day would have an answer to how many points hockey’s biggest star would have in this series.

That’s the problem with bandwagon Pittsburgh hockey fans. Admittedly, I’m a bandwagon Penguins fan. No question about it. But, as I’ve said before, I only know two people who were fans while the team sucked. Bandwagon fans, regardless of the sport, should be prohibited from publicly or privately offering any sort of negative or critical opinion on the state of the team.

Pittsburgh is a town that feels connected to its teams. It all goes back to the 1970s and the steel bust and the blah blah blah story we’ve heard ten thousand times before. So with the Steelers it is expected. Steeler Nation is incredibly vocal in their support (or disdain) of their team. Despite 70% of the fans not knowing a damn thing about the game, they still feel entitled to scream their opinion from the nearest sports talk show.

With hockey it’s a completely different story. I’m figuring roughly 95% of current Penguins ‘fans’ know nothing more about hockey than goals, assists, offsides and icing. These are the same people that will diagnose the Penguins’ loss, or why they aren’t playing nearly as well as they should be. I don't believe for one second that anyone aside from Scott or Cory can tell me anything about hockey that can be considered educated.

So for now, Penguins, you remain the sootiest city’s darlings. But if this whole ‘losing games’ thing continues, expect to be lambasted, insulted, and generally discredited as athletes humans by people who have absolutely no right to do so.