The Desk Jockey

Oh hey Case, this is your desk at work calling. Just thought I'd check in real quick today and see how things are going? Listen, I know we don't always get along that well. But that's no reason to randomly draw on me then spit-wash the ink off, is it? I've tried to be as good to you as I can. Remember the cross-office move we made back in April? That was pretty awesome. Carrie wanted you to use her old desk but you said no, because you prefer my lighter surface. You really do mean a lot to me, Casey.

What's the chance of getting that 80 pound monstrosity this place calls a computer monitor off my back man? They have flat-screens waiting downstairs but no one will install them? Seriously? Ech, this thing sucks. It was nice to get that pre-Jurassic phone outta here back in October wasn't it? Now we're rolling w/ the same phones they use on 'The Office' and 'House'. I feel so glam.

I'm really sorry I can't let you open more than one of my drawers at a time. My anatomy just wasn't built for that kind of use. But please, just be patient. Close one and open the other. It isn't a real big deal. Sure, sometimes you are in a hurry. But look at you today. You're sitting around looking for jobs and blogging. My lack of ability to have more than one drawer open at a time is not a blip in the grand scheme of things.

That box of chocolates sitting here looks delicious. Sometimes I wish I was human so I could try some of the delectable treats you leave on and in me throughout the course of a week. Oh, and those Saltines in the drawer there? Stale as hell, man. Don't even try them.

Ouch! Was that your knee that just slammed off the corner as you wheeled yourself in? That really hurt. I already told you, be patient! You have nine hours a day in this place, no need to be denting me up with your cartilage-filled knee. That's right, keep swearing. The cussing will really help the hematoma on your knee cap.

What the hell is going on in the back? Is that Chris tapping his feet in rhythm to the songs on his Ipod? What's he doing now, playing drums on his desk? Argh, the people in this office make me want to burn myself. ?

Anyway, I'm going to shut up now...I am a desk, after all. Oh, and if the mood ever strikes you, an occasional dust off would be much appreciated....

...Wait, what is that? Lysol?! No, don't do it. Arghuuuhhhh I can't breathe!! Stop cleaning, my allergies are worse than Fred's!!!

The Morris Code

Let me start by distancing myself from Bill Simmons. The upcoming Morris Code entry sounds like one of the titles in the Sports Guy dictionary. I know I'm not alone in strongly disliking one of the most smug homers in the history of sports writing, nor is it a new thing to rip on him. But, for my own gratification, I hereby state that The Morris Code has nothing to do with the Sports Guy, the Sports Gal, the New England Patriots or the Boston Celtics.

In fact, I can't say it has a lot to do with anything. The whole idea for this entry came yesterday when one of my coworkers was rambling about something and mentioned he would need to use 'Morris Code' to escape the situation he was in.

His usage of 'Morris Code,' of course, is blatantly wrong. What he meant to say was 'Morse Code.' The whole tie-in to Zack Morris just followed on its coattails.

I'm probably one of the few that actually preferred 'Saved by the Bell: The College Years' to the high school version of the show. Before Will Ferrell and Tobey McGuire made James Lipton talking to Screech Powers on "Inside the Actors Studio" part of the cultural zeitgeist, one of my favorite made-for-tv movies was, in fact, "Saved by the Bell: Hawaiian Style".

To expect solid reasoning from me on that one is a bit much, I can't say I have any reasoning. I do know that Kelly Kapowski was much cuter later in the show's run, not to mention Lisa Turtle. What ever happened to Lisa Turtle anyway? We all know what happened to Jessie Spano.

The most memorable theme of any "Saved by the Bell" episode, to me, is the constant struggle between Slater and Zack for Kelly's affection. My hope was always to see Zack win Kelly. Again, not sure why, but I'm thinking it might have had to do with Slater being a pompous meat head and Zack being a clever beanpole. Sound familiar?

In conclusion, the fact that Fred referred to "Morris Code" yesterday is absolutely ridiculous, and, "Saved by the Bell" did not have nearly as much influence on me as it did others. A good show? Yes. Something I look back upon as a great memory of days gone by? Not so much.

Chuy

"When I saw Kendra hit the wall, I figured she'd keep going because, like, I've hit walls in real life and kept going." Certainly sage-like advice, Holly. Right now my brain is absolutely fried after catching about five minutes of the E! show 'The Girls Next Door."

My reason for tuning into E! extends beyond seeing that piece Kendra stupidly huffing her way through sentences and doing that ridiculous howl after every other word. I'm waiting out GND and the always-atrocious Guiliana Rancic on E! News to see my latest crush: Chelsea Handler, star of the late night show "Chelsea Lately".

The first exposure I had with Handler was on one of those retrospective shows, whether it was a 'Remember the Decade,' or a 'Best Week Ever,' doesn't matter as much as how I remember seeing this cute blonde chick just cutting up (or down) the topics at hand.

Handler kills me. I was jaded the first time I tuned into her show (weeknights at 11:30) and saw her kibitzing with a few comics stage right. The show's first segment feature Chelsea introducing a topic and letting her comedian roundtable make their obligatory quips.

At first view, this segment was forced, staged and just poorly put together. It never seems a good fit to put comedians in a situation where they have a certain time limit to say something funny. It hurts their timing, their pace and their rhythm. That being said, this past Saturday night Jess and I were sitting around watching her year in review show. After making a few poor-taste comments about her potentially flabby arms and the way HD makes her teeth look too far apart, I decided to give Handler a true chance, and she didn't disappoint.

Truth is, she holds the comedians on her show to a high standard. Regardless of the time constraints, if they don't bring the funny and bring it quick, she chops their legs out as soon as she sees fit. For that, I applaud her. The past few nights I've tried staying awake long enough to check out the show, and each time I've come to like it more and more. She does her job with the twinkle of Carson and the wit of Letterman (okay, I'm over-exaggerating), all the while asking meaningful questions to her interview subjects. Imagine my surprise when she asked Tila Tequila semi-serious questions and seemed legitimately interested in Tila's nonsensical retorts and nervous laughter.

Handler takes the 'over-the-top, listen to me and laugh because I'm so controversial' attitude of Sarah Silverman and tones it down with a sharp, tongue-in-cheek delivery.

So, while Dave is off cuz of the strike, I'm gonna try my best to check you out every night, Chelsea Handler. I'll forgo mentioning your romance with the head of the E! Network. Is that why you got the show? Probably. Do I care? Not really.

Global Warming

"Global Warming Increases Comfort, Ease of Travel"

PITTSBURGH -- In what some might call a 'Christmas Miracle,' temperatures in the low sixties make Steel City residents happy, content with their lives.

Any thoughts of an enjoyable 'White Christmas' were thrown to the curb Tuesday as Pittsburghers took to the streets in celebration of the near-record high weather pattern canvassing the area. While the impending holiday season brings thoughts of a sentimental, nostalgic time; many were eager to postpone their post-holiday depression that lasts, on average, from January 1 to April 28.

"Sure, I always say I'd rather spend Christmas trudging through slush and snow while my face freezes off than on a beach with a palm tree, but I'll take this any day of the week," Paul Sobielski said.

Sobielski, a Greentree native, felt compelled to wear his favorite pair of cargo shorts and faded Pittsburgh Penguins t-shirt upon hearing KDKA Chief Meteorologist Jeff Vryselalaleqaa mention the unseasonably high temperatures.

Some are decrying the especially enjoyable December. "This is just ridiculous," Gretchen Cunningham said. "People are outside enjoying this weather while our ozone layer is paying the price. Global Warming is closer to us than anyone thinks." Cunningham, a student at Duquesne University and charter member of the group "Liberals Against Fun," believes happiness in Pittsburgh is best served under gray skies, wrecked cars and misery for six months a year.

Sobielski disagrees. "Al Gore is an idiot and Global Warming can suck it. These tree-huggers need to stay out of it and let God do his work," he said during the bi-weekly meeting of his neighborhood chapter of "Stubborn, Irrational Conservatives."

The Global Warming debate remains ... the weather, however, will not. Forecasts for next week? Back to normal.

Here's a guy (who's annoying)...

The summer after freshman year - 2003, I think - I was working a labor job at a concrete plant. One morning on the old B94 (when it was actually good), John Madden is just cutting the place up. Next thing I know, Al Pacino has the room in stitches. Little did I know, neither of these celebrities were present in B94's Greentree studios, it was impressionist Frank Caliendo.



After work, I hit up Limewire and downloaded the first Caliendo bit I could find, a half hour riot from the O&A show in 2001. I made all my friends listen, told everyone I knew about him, and for the next year or so we laughed over a virtually unlimited supply of Brett Favre jokes.

Fast-forward 4-1/2 years, and Caliendo is nothing more than a one-hit wonder, someone who cashed in on his rising celebrity and now has his own show, 'FrankTV', on TBS. You can hardly fault the guy for trying. Many times, 'making it' as a comedian comes when a network calls upon you to deliver your very own show, ie Seinfeld or Newhart. Some shine, some crap the bed, it just depends.

As it turns out, Caliendo can't act or write a funny sketch ... all he can do are voices. Shouldn't we have seen this coming? The biggest abomination is when he tries to dress up like his characters. A short, fat guy w/ a round face hardly makes Pacino, DeNiro or Michael Richards the least bit funny. Voice is Caliendo's money maker, not his butterball appearance.

His cause was not helped by the seemingly endless parade (or charade) of ads we saw during the baseball playoffs. As we know, overexposure kills. Go on the DVE Morning Show, hit up Bob and Tom, but please, get off my TV.

The future is now

That's quite a title, isn't it? There's no way to explain it...Not to mention my total inability to quantify it as anything meaningful. What I probably should have said, was, "Welcome." That's not so great either. Who really wants to read a 'welcome' post? I, before anyone, would agree that any sort of welcome is generally discredited. For instance, each morning I arrive to work and am bombarded with hellos. All of which I reciprocate, none of which I appreciate.

After years of throwing the idea of blogging to the deck chair, I figured I'd dive in and swim around a bit. For instance, I was checking out 'blogging tips' one day recently. First of all, blogging tips are lame, and I'm embarrassed to admit I was researching them. Anyways, the one guy I read exclaimed that the most important trait of any blog is its theme. "Gotta have a theme, gotta have a reason." That's not exactly how he put it, but you get the point. His other tip was to find an area of expertise you have, and explore it. I'm 23, a college grad of varying successes and I work an 8-5 office job. The only expertise I claim is my affinity for a few certain TV programs; none of which I'll talk about now, simply to save material for later.

So let's make a deal: You read, I'll write ... and from there, we'll close our eyes and see what happens. If you're at work, bookmark my site. Check it 20 times a day. I know I will. In the next week or so, posting could be scarce as I'm waiting on a new computer from the lovely people at Dell. But once that gets going, we'll get tough.