Global Warming

"Global Warming Increases Comfort, Ease of Travel"

PITTSBURGH -- In what some might call a 'Christmas Miracle,' temperatures in the low sixties make Steel City residents happy, content with their lives.

Any thoughts of an enjoyable 'White Christmas' were thrown to the curb Tuesday as Pittsburghers took to the streets in celebration of the near-record high weather pattern canvassing the area. While the impending holiday season brings thoughts of a sentimental, nostalgic time; many were eager to postpone their post-holiday depression that lasts, on average, from January 1 to April 28.

"Sure, I always say I'd rather spend Christmas trudging through slush and snow while my face freezes off than on a beach with a palm tree, but I'll take this any day of the week," Paul Sobielski said.

Sobielski, a Greentree native, felt compelled to wear his favorite pair of cargo shorts and faded Pittsburgh Penguins t-shirt upon hearing KDKA Chief Meteorologist Jeff Vryselalaleqaa mention the unseasonably high temperatures.

Some are decrying the especially enjoyable December. "This is just ridiculous," Gretchen Cunningham said. "People are outside enjoying this weather while our ozone layer is paying the price. Global Warming is closer to us than anyone thinks." Cunningham, a student at Duquesne University and charter member of the group "Liberals Against Fun," believes happiness in Pittsburgh is best served under gray skies, wrecked cars and misery for six months a year.

Sobielski disagrees. "Al Gore is an idiot and Global Warming can suck it. These tree-huggers need to stay out of it and let God do his work," he said during the bi-weekly meeting of his neighborhood chapter of "Stubborn, Irrational Conservatives."

The Global Warming debate remains ... the weather, however, will not. Forecasts for next week? Back to normal.