Clemens Seen at Local Restaurant

SAXONBURG -- Major League Baseball's Roger Clemens exited Hotel Saxonburg on Tuesday after a light lunch of salad, crab cakes, and human growth hormone.

The Yankee's hurler has been mired in steroid allegations stemming from December's Mitchell Report. "Regardless of what's going on in my life right now, the Hotel has always been a favorite eatery of mine, and that won't change," Clemens said.

Hotel owner Mrs. Gentile has searched for a way to replace the clientèle lost after her husband, the beloved Fred Gentile, passed away a couple years ago.

"We're doing whatever we can. If that means catering to the needs of a washed up, sell-out cheat, then that's what it means," Gentile said.

Pat Sajak = $$$

Seriously, is there a better job in the world than hosting Wheel of Fortune? There certainly can't be many. I ate a late dinner tonight and had the fortune of catching Sajak at his peak: celebrating the victor and barbing the loser semi-sarcastically. I'm thinking Pat means it as sympathy, but you know he's thinking, "What a moron."

Occasionally I figure Pat Sajak would like to stick his contestants' faces in those ludicrously dangerous spikes they use to spin the wheel, but all in all, he has a pretty sweet gig.

It seems that every time I view an episode of Wheel of Fortune, the same thing happens. Yea, yea, I get it. There's three hundred of these shows a year and they're bound to feel the same. But if you have any history of watching Wheel, which I kind of do, you know the following to be true:

The contestants:

Left-most contestant: Overly-enthusiastic white guy...


Center contestant: Middle-aged black woman, usually from the healthcare industry...



Right-most contestant: Fairly attractive white woman...


In the old days, contestants would draw straws to see who would spin first. These days the first spinner is chosen through a toss-up puzzle. Either the white guy or black woman will almost always win this first puzzle. The winner gets a sum of money dependent on how long the puzzle took to solve.

Let's say the white guy wins the toss-up. He spins first and immediately loses a turn. Next up, the black woman gets a couple hundred bucks, buys a few vowels, then goes bankrupt. In comes the attractive white chick and she fills in most of the puzzle. Then ... ugh! Loses a turn. White guy spins and guesses some obnoxious letter like X. Black woman, being in this position a thousand times in the comfort of her own home, picks a letter, nearly solves, then decides to get greedy and takes an extra spin and either bankrupts or loses a turn. Who solves the puzzle? White chick.

Next puzzle: Black woman up first, guesses N, S, T but then misses on the R. White woman goes back to work, gets some cash, then loses a turn. White guy comes up, bankrupts with zero dollars. At this point, Pat interjects witty comment about white guy's bad luck. Black woman is up, guesses L, nothin doing. White chick spins, picks up free spin, connects on a letter. She then loses a turn, but guess what? Free spin. White chick uses this to her advantage, picks up two M's on the $3500 dollar slot and ends up solving the puzzle.

She's not done yet. Pat comes over to greet her. Guess what? Prize puzzle! Cute white chick is going to Ireland while the black woman gives the look only black women can give and the white dude feigns an enthusiastic clap to hang on to the idea he might bed cute white chick. But white guy forgets one thing, attractive white chick's wonderful husband Kenny she mentioned at the top of the show.

Regardless, attractive white girl has the thing sewn up and winds up calling four letters of the seven-letter final puzzle and takes home a new Ford Fusion while Kenny hugs, Mommy cries, middle aged black woman fumes and average white guy goes back to his XBOX.

Not a bad day at work for Pat Sajak.

Bye Bye, American Pie

When we look back on the events that have shaped our lives, we're no doubt left with indelible images accompanying them. As I typed 'events' in that first line, it was spoken in broad terms. An event could be anything: a movie, a song, a party, a tv show ... I think you get the point.

For me - and I'm thinking many others in our generation (those of us in our early to mid-twenties) - one of these events was the advent of the 'American Pie' series. What a perfect set of films to drop when you're in the last couple years of high school. Everyone wanted their experiences to mirror those of the gang. No matter how embarrassing those situations may have been, they let everyone in on what it was like to be a hard-partying, wannabe cool guy in what I believe are the true "formidable years."

You know you wanted your senior trip to be at a beach-front mansion, ya'll strived to throw the Hail Mary into a blanket full of co-eds.

I'm afraid those days are over, my friends. Well, maybe not for us, because we have these scenes etched in our minds and will not soon forget the smiles and laughs brought to the table. My concern lies with a younger generation of kids who are being raised on a new blend of 'American Pie' shenanigans. Gone are the days of Finch unleashing in the girls bathroom, today we have 'American Pie Presents Band Camp'. Forget the band geek revealing a scandalous occurrence at summer camp, now the kids get to see Eugene Levy and Stiffler's brother in "The Naked Mile". Even my least favorite part of the original films - Oz pining for Heather - is replaced with run-of-the-mill frat house debauchery in "Beta House".

Gross.

I've not seen any of the new breed, and I refuse to, but they have to suck. It'd be like claiming "The New Class" was better than the original "Saved by the Bell". But, as I said before, the younger generation is who suffers. I think of my niece and nephew, both nearing the end of their respective high school careers, and I find it ashame they weren't able to enjoy and emulate the original American Pie's the way my crew did just a number of years ago.

Sensationalism can't be ignored. It happens in every form of media, hell, it happens in every form of life. If something is popular, someone will drag an otherwise good name into the dirt.

Seriously though. I've never seen 'National Lampoon's Animal House'. You know why? Because aside from 'Van Wilder' and the 'Vacation' movies, National Lampoon throws out nothing but straight to DVD garbage year after year. 'Animal House' is probably the Godfather of some of my favorite comedies of all time, be it 'Old School' or the aforementioned 'Pie' movies, and I'll never see it due to the ever-present desire to make a buck.

I'm sure my niece and nephew will look back on the original 'Pies' and have the same sense of who cares and whatever that I feel for 'Animal House,' all I'm saying, is it sucks it has to be that way.

So blame it on the producers, blame it on the studios ... shit, blame it on Eugene Levy. Just don't blame it on the fans. After all, we were there from day one ... We remember the old days. And they were just as great as that beach front mansion.