Pat Sajak = $$$

Seriously, is there a better job in the world than hosting Wheel of Fortune? There certainly can't be many. I ate a late dinner tonight and had the fortune of catching Sajak at his peak: celebrating the victor and barbing the loser semi-sarcastically. I'm thinking Pat means it as sympathy, but you know he's thinking, "What a moron."

Occasionally I figure Pat Sajak would like to stick his contestants' faces in those ludicrously dangerous spikes they use to spin the wheel, but all in all, he has a pretty sweet gig.

It seems that every time I view an episode of Wheel of Fortune, the same thing happens. Yea, yea, I get it. There's three hundred of these shows a year and they're bound to feel the same. But if you have any history of watching Wheel, which I kind of do, you know the following to be true:

The contestants:

Left-most contestant: Overly-enthusiastic white guy...


Center contestant: Middle-aged black woman, usually from the healthcare industry...



Right-most contestant: Fairly attractive white woman...


In the old days, contestants would draw straws to see who would spin first. These days the first spinner is chosen through a toss-up puzzle. Either the white guy or black woman will almost always win this first puzzle. The winner gets a sum of money dependent on how long the puzzle took to solve.

Let's say the white guy wins the toss-up. He spins first and immediately loses a turn. Next up, the black woman gets a couple hundred bucks, buys a few vowels, then goes bankrupt. In comes the attractive white chick and she fills in most of the puzzle. Then ... ugh! Loses a turn. White guy spins and guesses some obnoxious letter like X. Black woman, being in this position a thousand times in the comfort of her own home, picks a letter, nearly solves, then decides to get greedy and takes an extra spin and either bankrupts or loses a turn. Who solves the puzzle? White chick.

Next puzzle: Black woman up first, guesses N, S, T but then misses on the R. White woman goes back to work, gets some cash, then loses a turn. White guy comes up, bankrupts with zero dollars. At this point, Pat interjects witty comment about white guy's bad luck. Black woman is up, guesses L, nothin doing. White chick spins, picks up free spin, connects on a letter. She then loses a turn, but guess what? Free spin. White chick uses this to her advantage, picks up two M's on the $3500 dollar slot and ends up solving the puzzle.

She's not done yet. Pat comes over to greet her. Guess what? Prize puzzle! Cute white chick is going to Ireland while the black woman gives the look only black women can give and the white dude feigns an enthusiastic clap to hang on to the idea he might bed cute white chick. But white guy forgets one thing, attractive white chick's wonderful husband Kenny she mentioned at the top of the show.

Regardless, attractive white girl has the thing sewn up and winds up calling four letters of the seven-letter final puzzle and takes home a new Ford Fusion while Kenny hugs, Mommy cries, middle aged black woman fumes and average white guy goes back to his XBOX.

Not a bad day at work for Pat Sajak.