[pregame]Coach: Here we go guys. Let's do it. You better win this game or you're all losers. I don't mean just losers like you lost a game. I mean like pathetic, no life, have-a-kid-when-you're-17 and gotta drop outta school and live in a trailer park losers.
Team: We always do our best, Coach!
Coach: Unfortunately your best isn't good enough. Hey, lead off batter...
Leadoff: Dad, it's me Ma...
Coach: You better get on base. And you better not strike out. If you do strike out, you better go down swinging. This team does not tolerate looking at strike three. You hear me?
Leadoff: Yea Dad, I get...
Coach: Don't call me Dad. I'm not your father. I'm your coach. Listen, I played minor league baseball when I was younger. I know baseball better than you know Pixar.
Assistant: That's right guys. Go out and give it your best. And remember, we're here to have fun!
Coach: Fun? Are you kidding me Gary? We are here to win and kick ass. Is that understood? Win. Kick ass. Gary, apparently you forget when I led our high school team in strike outs and home runs. Do you remember that, Gary? I was the toast of the town. Your parents wanted me as their son, not some washed up fatty who could barely make the throw from third to first. Maybe if you had had less 'fun,' you wouldn't be a lawyer who can't even make it to practice. You could have been the head coach of a little league baseball team.
Assistant: I don't know if that's the right attitude there Coach! These kids are young, let em play!
Coach: I guess I'm the only one here who has any idea of what baseball means. Does anyone remember who I am? I was in the minor leagues. And not just some semi-pro team. I was in Class A Salem before any of you were a glimpse in your parents' eyes. I know what it takes to succeed in this game you whiny brats....WHAT ARE YOU DOING JASON???
Jason: I just saw my mom walk in!!!
Coach: [puts Jason in headlock] I DON'T WANT YOU EVER LOOKING IN THOSE STANDS AGAIN. THIS IS MY TEAM AND MY FIELD. I AM LITTLE LEAGUE BASEBALL AND EVERYONE BETTER REALIZE IT OR NONE OF YOU ARE GONNA MAKE THIS TEAM NEXT YEAR!!! IS THAT UNDERSTOOD????
Jason: I'm not in the army!!!
Coach: YOU'RE IN MY ARRRRMMYYYYYY!!!!
3 comments:
Thankfully, I sucked so much that there was no pressure put on me when I was younger. My old man helped coach sometimes, but I think he realized I had no future in the game, so he wasn't a giant asshole like some coaches I had, whether they be assistants or head coaches(Mr. Gammell, Mr. Van Kirk, and a few others) The best coach I had was Mr. Hixon. He was the only coach who tried to correct my awful batting stance by taking me to the batting cages. However, it was my last year playing, so it was a little to late to save my career
GET ON THE BAG!!! I WILL FIGHT YOU IF YOU DON'T GET ON THE DAMN BAG!!!!
Favorite little league story. We're a really bad team, but we're playing someone even worse. We're beating them like 9 nothing when the other team's coach starts getting into an argument with the Ump. After some back talk, the Ump had enough and yelled, "It's not my fault your team sucks!"
Years later I was telling someone that story. My friend Tim said, "I was at that game. You we're kicking out ass when the Ump yelled at Phil Bruton's dad and told us it's not his fault that we all suck. I'll never forget it."
Oh and I once had an Ump clean the field of used condoms and them wipe his hand on my uniform. At the time I didn't know what splooge was.
-J. Hill
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